apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
