You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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