i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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