i love accidental penises.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
