Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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