I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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