I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
