I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
