she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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