At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
