We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
