I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
