Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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