my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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