how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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