Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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