I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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