why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
