new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
