mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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