Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
