I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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