In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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