then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
