my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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