i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
