How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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