very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
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