i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
