Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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