you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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