Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
