Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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