laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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