a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
