My hand turned me down
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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