I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize