fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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