Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 607 share tweet
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize