Ambien. No doubt about it.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
