I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
