We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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