i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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