i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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