Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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