Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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