I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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