currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
God, I missed his penis.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
