After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
