K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
