I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
