She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
