It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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