she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
