and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
