I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
