her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize