ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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