I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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